Boy, yesterday’s blog really hit a nerve for lots of people, and really struck home. Today’s blog is probably even more revealing to those of us who struggle with obtaining our self worth from sources that will betray us. To review, yesterday’s blog was about the false belief that one must obtain certain goals in order to feel good about themselves. Today’s false belief is a kissing cousin to the first:  “I MUST BE APPROVED BY CERTAIN OTHERS TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.”

Like yesterday, at first blush  seeking other’s approval seems like it might be a virtue, but it is definitely not. Sure, you need to be approved by others. Unless your boss approves of your work, you will be on the streets soon. Unless your spouse approves of certain actions, conflicts always arise. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH NEEDING APPROVAL! But, here’s where it all goes wrong, “IN ORDER TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!”  If you have to have the praise, admiration or acceptance of others as part of your self-worth you are in trouble!

How? Well, as we said yesterday, there are no PERFECT people, and that includes those whose approval you need. People who know you seek their approval have all the power, and you’ve given all yours away. If your self-worth is dependent on their giving you what you want from them, they can do anything they want. Even though most people are decent, it is human nature to take advantage of those who “need you.”

What usually happens in BFL is someone does a challenge to get the approval of their mother or father or spouse. Then, one of two things quickly happens. Usually, the challenge hits a rough spot, the progress stops, and the approval seeker is devastated when the one whose approval they seek says something hurtful. Even a sort of harmless remark like “I don’t see any changes yet” can send an approval seeker into a  swirling depression. If you’re one of these folks, you’re getting that sinking feeling right now, even as you read this.

The second possibility is that even if you get good results the one from whom you seek approval never responds in the “fairy tale” way you may have envisioned. The end of the story here is usually the same as what happened to the person who tried to get their self worth from meeting certain goals:  Our challenger, with her approval needs unmet, becomes angry,then fearful of rejection, then supersensitive to any type of criticism from anyone, then withdraws to avoid disapproval, then drops out and goes into hiding. This is even more devastating than the situation where one tried to find self-worth out of meeting goals, because now there are two wounded people, and usually a relationship has been stressed.

How to avoid this? The solution is very similar to yesterday. First, be absolutely sure that YOUR challenge is yours–that you’re doing it FOR YOU, not someone else. This is one of the few times that selfishness is laudable! Next, get out that journal again, or your prayer journal, and write something like this in it: “I am a worthwhile and lovable person whether or not I meet all these goals. I am completely and unconditionally accepted by the God who made me. My happiness must come from within me, not from what another person thinks or says about me. I will not turn over to another the power to control my feelings and emotions. I will not create situations where I seek approval or flattery, and I will not respond to remarks that hurt me, other than to pray for that person and ask God to bless them. I will do my best today to please God and myself, and if that isn’t enough for others, that is not my problem!”

Do this out of love for others, not bitterness. Act like the champion you’ll be some day–and you’re on your way to freedom from the approval seeking bondage!