This is the fourth in a series of mindsets or attitudes that have significant potential for turning a transformation challenge into a nightmare. Most of these are character defects that are not perceived as such by the person who has them. Either the person is totally oblivious of the problem, or simply chooses to believe that it is an asset.  So far we have dealt with selfishness, self-sabotage and self-pity. Today is controlling, a huge component of a syndrome often called co-dependency.

A “controller”almost always sees herself as a virtuous, hard-working, self-sacrificial person in complete control of herself and most situations. She also sees herself, rightly,as having given to others to the point that she has neglected herself and her health. Thus, a controller almost always comes to a transformation with the idea that “it’s my turn now, and this time I’m going to take care of myself because I deserve this!” They might not put it quite so forcefully, but that is certainly the attitude.

So, what’s wrong with this picture? Well, to start with, a controlling person usually comes by the mindset due to a difficult, often abusive, experience, either as an abused or neglected child, or a passive person in a dominant and abusive adult relationship. So, many controllers who decide “this is my time now” tend to way overreact, trying to fix their entire personality and difficult life in one twelve week show of strength! Rather than work with others in their family or other spheres of influence, they tend to “lay down the law” to them, and to drive people away at the very time that they actually need cooperation. This can bring out the worst in people, both the controller and the significant others, and a transformation done in constant conflict seldom goes well.

Another problem caused by a controlling personality is confusion. A controller has often controlled others by meeting their needs and neglecting hers. So, for her, how to meet her own needs, and even what they are, and where to draw the lines, are unknowns. Thus, she tends to either underperform, or overperform to the point of total exhaustion. Co-dependent controllers generally do not have a great deal of insight into themselves. They have spent much of their life trying to avoid certain feelings and insights, because of the pain these cause. Controllers like to stay busy, usually helping others, because it keeps them from having to deal with their own feelings, plus it also helps them to feel worthwhile. 

But here is the biggest crushing blow that a controller suffers. If they finish the challenge, physically they have done much, but mentally, they remain unchanged–because they have been too busy doing instead of feeling, and avoiding all intimate interactions with others. So, in the end, except for a better body, they remain the same–a one dimensional person who will do anything for anyone, but who deep down feels very little love for themselves, and little true emotion as well.

The solution? There’s unfortunately not an easy one. Getting involved in the community and finding a few people–preferably of the same gender–with whom you can truly talk about your struggles and your past is of enormous help. Honestly reviewing your past and coming to grips with the loss that was responsible for your attitude helps as well. Don’t just blow it off as no big deal. It was, and it is. Another helpful thing is to simply accept help from others without trying to pay them back.  Really working on a power mindset and doing those exercises in your journal can help a bunch as well.  This is a lifelong struggle, but it’s worth it to fight back against co-dependency.