Everywhere you look these days character is exposed, and usually it’s not a pretty sight! Professional athletes and referees are accused of illegal drug use, prohibited sports gambling, and even game fixing. In politics, it seems to be a regular occurrence that an officeholder is accused of conduct inappropriate to their office, such as taking illegal campaign contributions or misusing their office powers to enrich themselves and their friends. Even in bodybuilding, scandals are somewhat regular, with illegal steroid and growth hormone use near the top of the list.

But, in amateur fitness competitions, such as the Body for Life contest, does character really matter? Of course it does! It matters in many ways.

To the corporate sponsor of this competition, character of its contestants is critical, and that is the reason that some of the scoring of a transformation kit is based on the essay, so that the judges can assess the person’s character and fitness and suitability to be an endorser of products for the EAS/Abbott Nutrition line of products.

So, what do we really mean by good character? What did Porter Freeman mean when he said he looked in the mirror the day he started the challenge, didn’t like what he saw, and said to himself, “I have more character than that?”

One of the simplest definitions of character is “what you do when nobody is looking.” The Bible talks about a man of character as someone who keeps his word, “even when it hurts.” There’s another place that you’ll find a great outline of what character is all about. Probably nowhere are the elements of good character expressed better in terms of actions than in the book, “The Four Agreements.” They say: 1. Be impeccable in your word; 2. Don’t take anything personally; 3. Don’t make assumptions; and, 4. Always do your best. These are perfectly expressed “rules of the road” for succeeding in interpersonal relationships while maintaining at all times good character and behavior that will benefit everyone.

What do these principles have to do with BFL? Only this. To the extent that any of your “problems” in succeeding in this program, getting in your workouts, sticking with the diet, and finishing victoriously have something to do with how you perceive you are treated or mistreated by another, these four agreements will be the map to your way out of your weakened condition. And to the extent that you are able to adhere to these agreements and bring your behavior into line with them, it will reveal much about your character to those around you, and maybe even to the contest judges.

In the end, whether you become a named champion or not, these principles will sustain you through a competition so stressful and tough that many have been shipwrecked on the rocks of self-pity and mediocrity.

FEAR–GRADUATION DAY!

Well, this is payoff day–the day that we finish up with fear. Today is the closing ceremony, where we’ll talk about how to replace fear and maintain a life of freedom from fear.

Once you rid yourself of your fears by doing what we talked about yesterday, you MUST intentionally replace them with something. If you don’t, something will end up replacing it anyway. Nature abhors a vacuum, and an empty human spirit will be filled with something, one way or another. If you don’t take positive action, the fear might be replaced by some addiction or obsession, by lust or greed, or even by more fear. So, the key is to replace it with something good, not bad.

I’m sure you’ve heard that perfect faith drives out fear. It does, and faith in a higher power will certainly provide a foundation for a fear-free life. But mere faith, without more, can sometimes end up more like wishful thinking than spiritual strength. So, let’s make this “active faith.” What is the one thing that most people who possess faith, who believe that they are created, valuable beings have in common? A love for one another, and a desire to help one another. So, my project for replacing fear with active faith is a very simple one–love in action!

Love in action—in the transformation  world–is also called the universal law of reciprocation. Simply put, you should regularly, at least once a week, do something good for someone who cannot pay you back, and do it without getting caught. Use your imagination–slip money into a jacket pocket, or leave it on someone’s door. Send a gift certificate for a restaurant anonymously. Pay for someone’s way at a function that they can’t afford to go to otherwise. Pray for opportunities to do things for people–they will come along. If you still have some forgiving or amends to make for your past fear-driven behavior, think about how you might right some of those wrongs anonymously. Just don’t get caught, unless a direct apology is in order, of course,

Until you’ve experienced it, you cannot imagine the intense joy that comes from doing something anonymously that truly benefits another. That joy produces something else over time. Hope. Because God truly rewards those who help others for the right reason. It helps you to expectantly look forward to seeing who and what God will bring into your life as your next project, and it helps you to see with confidence that every single need you have is being taken care of–and all without you having to worry about it! In due time, you will look back over all this and not only wonder what ever happen to that old fear-driven you, but also wonder what happened to all the problems that caused those fears!

Does this all sound too extravagant to you? It will take place in your life if you just take the steps of faith to do it.
Staying rid of fear by replacing it is really a life long project. It is very much like staying physically fit. Use it or lose it applies here! Exercise those faith muscles this weekend by attending your favorite house of worship and asking God to help you make sense of all this.

Above all else, don’t ever give up again. Don’t let fear win even one small battle. Face it; admit it; get rid of it, and don’t let it live rent free in your head ever again! Fight for your freedom from fear!

God Bless!  

Yesterday we examined chronic fear from the perspective of how it affects our everyday lives and how we deal with it. Most of us deal with it by denying we have it, projecting it on others, or medicating ourselves with food or drugs so we don’t have to face it or deal with it.

Well you can continue to deny it, project it, or medicate yourself over it, but in the long haul it will not go away or lose its hold over you. In fact, for most people, chronic fear produces a whole new host of problems eventually–anxiety, ulcerative colitis, headaches, backaches, and so on. While fear might be a real boon for the medical and pharmaceutical industries, for those of us dealing with it, it becomes a life-altering nightmare over time.So, how do we get rid of it? It starts by admitting we have it. That means saying to ourselves and even others on occasion, “I am afraid…” It means we stop re-labeling it. Frankly, we are NOT “concerned, a bit nervous, or up-tight.” We are FEARFUL! The admission is the key to dealing with it. Once we admit we have a problem we then are freed to deal with it responsibly.

Second, we need to figure out where the heck it came from. For most of us, this means a bit of self-analysis, a bit of journaling perhaps, maybe even a talk with our parents about some things that happened to us as kids. Some prayerful asking of our Creator during a quiet time is helpful. A short personal retreat, away from all distractions, often leads to true “enlightenment” concerning the cause or causes. Third, and this is where the real work begins, we need to forgive. You’ll find almost certainly that your fear is from something involving another human being, perhaps an authority figure who belittled or took advantage of you, or an abusive relationship. You cannot win the game of life until you get free of the fear, and true freedom starts by doing away with every hidden or possible source of resentment. Forgive the person or persons who wronged you quickly and completely, whether you feel like it or not. Forgiveness involves action not feelings. Write it out, that you forgive so and so on such and such a date for doing this and that. Forgive yourself while you’re at it, for the time you’ve wasted, the things you’ve missed, and the people you’ve hurt along the way. Do that by writing down where you fell short, and just give it to God! Make amends where you need to, and then move forward. This is the eniire process of truly surrendering, and it is only through this surrender that you win!  Whatever you do, don’t leave out this critical step. There is often a situation where you have wronged another  and have simply avoided facing them and admitting it. It’s tough to do—as I have learned personally. But, the fear that comes from having chronically failed to render an appropriate apology and  appropriate amends can be just as corrosive as any other fear. To do this, you really have to set aside any idea of beginning your conversation with “well, we were both wrong….” Just stick with what YOU did, and the fear will just melt into absolute relief.

What’s next? Well, tomorrow we’ll talk about how to replace fear, and with what, and how we avoid sliding back into that slue of despond. It’s not as hard as you think. Like most things, it’s much easier to maintain a clean house than to have to do a complete remodeling job all the time. See you then!

This is a rerun of a series that I have done before. It so important that it is worth doing again.

The speaker said he could easily sum up the root cause of every one of his life’s failures in just one word,”fear.” I was there when he said it, and I was seated where I could watch about half the audience without turning around. What I saw was most interesting–the vast majority of that audience was nodding in agreement, as though to signal that they they understood and empathized with what he had just said. This speaker was a war hero, by the way!

When I have examined my own life’s failures, and have blown away the dust of denial and excuses, I too usually come up with that one word, FEAR!

I drank alcoholically for 18 years or so. I did it because I was afraid, afraid that people wouldn’t accept me if they really knew what I was like; afraid that I was going to fail at things; afraid that I would be alone and lonely; afraid that I would get sick. you name it, I was afraid of it, and alcohol was my daily cure for that illness!

I entered into a bad relationship years ago because I was afraid of being alone. I stayed in a bad business relationship for years because I was afraid of taking the risk of going out on my own. Fear has also been at the root of most of my other character defects, such as gossip, envy, jealousy, and rage. At the ROOT of each of these failures, there lurked fear, and the character defect is a way of acting like I wasn’t fearful, when in fact I was.

So, why are we discussing fear in a Transformation blog, you ask? let me ask you a question–what is the number one failure in any transformation attempt? Failure to finish is number one, far above all others put together. And something tells me that fear has an awful lot to do with that!

Oh sure, I’ve heard all the other excuses, and so have you! “I got sick. I hurt myself. My dog died. My parents divorced. My husband doesn’t want me to keep doing this. I’m too busy. It’s not working.” Yet, for most people that I have talked with, who eventually finished a challenge successfully, it actually required conquering a specific fear that they had–and all this other stuff was just window dressing in reality!

Fear is an equal opportunity life wrecker. It visits us all if we live long enough. And, it seems to me that it really comes calling about the time that we make up our minds that we’re going to do something life-changing. Some people think of fear as being caused by an inner conflict, some part of you that doesn’t want the other part to succeed. Others think of it as a very real and evil spiritual force. Whatever we think of it, the truth is that chronic fear is a corrosive, life-sapping, depressing force that we must rid ourselves of, if we are to live effectively and happily. Those who claim that fear is a great motivator are partially right. Fear can motivate people, whether you have it or inflict it, but the final effect of fear is to destroy people, not help them.

I can tell you this today about fear. Though it once absolutely ruled my life, today it does not. I can also tell you that if I obtained victory over fear, certainly you can as well. I can also promise you that if you gain victory over fear, Body for Life–and every other challenge that comes visiting you–will be conquerable and perhaps even enjoyable.

We’re running out of space today. Tomorrow, I’ll have some specific applications on conquering fear. But,if you want a little heads up on tomorrow, I’ll give you a little hint. Truly conquering fear takes believing in a power greater than yourself! And, to win, you have to surrender!

DENIAL!   Denial is a real phenomenon. Though it’s most commonly associated with addiction, denial can be present in more benign circumstances. I see it daily in people who have gradually given up on trying to stay fit. Though their body habitus tells me at a glance that they are carrying at least 40 or 50 pounds of excess fat on their frame, often they view themselves as just a little out of shape. They look in the mirror, and thanks to denial, they basically see what they were once, not who they are now. So, they don’t pay much attention to the remarks of well-meaning people about how much weight they’ve gained. And they continue trying to squeeze into those clothes they can barely button, wondering how come this stuff keeps shrinking.  What does shake a person out of denial, though, is seeing a picture of himself.  It is usually an “Oh my God!” moment that cracks through all those ideas about what they really look like. This is usually a wonderful thing, because it almost always produces a mixture of shame and motivation to get things changed. That’s kind of what happened to me in August 2006 when I looked at the photo I had just taken and saw a person different from the one I remembered in the mirror.  There are also those who are NOT in denial, but who just won’t really do anything about themselves until it becomes almost hopeless. These are tougher cases. This person is getting something out of their efforts to encase themselves in fat and eating themselves into oblivion. Whether it is because the food kills the pain of depression or anxiety, or the layers of fat keep others away from them, the reason is not always obvious, even to the person who is victimizing herself.  Transformations can change the appearance, and with the right amount of journaling and self-examination, while taking the right actions in regard to relationships, transformations can also be great healing events and life changing indeed.  If only a physical transformation is achieved in the time allotted, the person’s odds of staying fit are indeed diminished if he or she does not do something about the deeper causes of the problems that brought them to the transformation.  That’s why we’re here, isn’t it? To change both the outer and the inner person for the better!

Will You Do It, or Will You Just Talk About It?

I have spent a lot of time catching up on reading the guestbook and looking over on Bill Phillips’ website where lots of people are starting their newest transformation efforts. It’s exciting to see all the new people, all of whom are also excited and filled with both hope and energy as they set out to change their lives. Most have lofty reasons for their intended transformations, health problems, family histories of obesity-related illnesses, a health crisis of their own, a personal crisis. The reasons go on and on.

But, you know what? If past history is any indicator of future performance, only  about three weeks from the time these folks started, fully three-fourths of them will already have messed up their efforts to the point that they have effectively given up. And only about 10% or less will who have registered for the challenge will actually end up turning in a completed entry.

Why? What happens between the enthusiastic start and the wimpy ending that turns something desired and valued into a complete failure?

Personally, having done several challenges, and having failed to complete a couple of them, I think it generally boils down to what Porter Freeman said are the priorities; 1. You have to “want it;” and, 2. You have to make it a priority.

Yes, everyone thought they wanted it, in the excitement of the moment, but as soon as they got started they began to see that they also wanted lots of other things that were not necessarily compatible with the challenge. Many wanted to also drink and eat with their friends after work, or to continue their sneak-eating and bingeing. Many wanted to sleep in even more than they wanted to see that fat burn away. Still others wanted to keep peace in the family so bad that they just stopped even trying to take care of themselves. In that kind of a conflicting and confusing atmosphere, even pretending to make the transformation a priority is too much for most.

So, that’s how it goes for most. The key for YOU, the reader of this blog, is to be one of the 10%, not one of the 90%. And to do that takes showing yourself how bad you want it, by planning ahead all 84 days, or 126 days if you’re doing one at  the Transformation site, preparing ahead one week at a time, and executing to the best of your ability, each day as it comes along. It means staying in today, refusing to fail, and refusing to sell out cheaply. It may even mean getting new “friends” if your old ones are the ones trying to put you in with the 90%. It means carefully formulating the real reasons behind your efforts, and empowering yourself by writing them down in detail.

This will be the hardest thing you ever did. But, it will also be the best thing you ever did as well. Want it; make it a priority, and just do it!

While we were on a short holiday in two resort communities in Northern Michigan, there was plenty of time for me to cool my heels while Ruth shopped for the “perfect souvenir sweatshirt or T-shirt from one of these places.

So, since there were no “real” hardware stores within walking distances, I always walked into the nearest book store and checked out what was on the shelves these days.  Checking the “diet and exercise” section of several different stores, including a couple of the big box stores, I found the new book, “Champions Body for Life” in stock and prominently displayed. A couple of these book stores were very small, with limited inventories, and even they carried the book.

I’m still reading mine, believe it or not! There is a ton of information in there, and no small amount of it actually came from my own little blogs and missives that I sent to Art Carey, the author of the book. Given the fact that the suggested retail price is $26.95 and most places sell it for a bit under $20, the book is certainly worth taking a place on your shelf of fitness and diet information you use regularly.

Ruth (my wife) and I really like the entire book but are especially pleased to see that the exercises that are depicted show clearly that every body part can be thoroughly worked with just dumbbells, a fitness ball, and some exercise bands. There are no machine exercises depicted, and that’s great, because machines all differ, and the instructions for them are right on the machine, so there was no need to waste the space on them.

The “top ten” lists throughout are fun and for the most part contain some great tips for the serious participants. Another thing I really like about the book is that it recognizes the accomplishments of some featured challengers and others who have not yet been crowned champions.

Are there some things that one could be negative about? Sure. Some of the photos in the B & W sections are not as crisp as they might have been, but when you get contributions from all the participants and many are really designed to have been printed in color, they can look a bit muddy when changed to black and white.

All in all, though, it’s a great read with literally tons of information in it. It’s a welcome substitute for the original book which was written nearly a decade ago. It was high time that the collective experience of all the champions and challengers since that time was updated and put into a special focus to help others.

Give it a shot and pick up yours today. In fact, pick up two or three. You know you’ll end up giving away one to somebody who thinks that you are taking steroids or something! And the other will make a great gift for that family member or friend who could use a boost.

“Then It All Slipped Away!”

I see it all the time, on the message boards, forums and guestbooks, the same sad and powerless statement:  Here’s one off the guestbook on 7-15. “I had great results. Then, I let it all slip away, and five years later I weigh more than ever.” You can just feel the sadness and desperation in those statements, can’t you?

The question I wish to pose to all of today is WHY? I don’t mean “why we got fat again” because that is simply a principle of basic nutrition. Too much food! The why I am talking about is why did we choose to lose the focus we had, give up the gift of fitness we were given, and basically trade it all in for a few hours of enjoyment followed by powerlessness.

I’ve asked every one of these people who post like I mentioned above, and I get responses from maybe 10% of them who leave a contact email address. Not one of those 10% out of the years I’ve been asking has really hit the nail on the head yet. Every one of them, even though they were able to articulate a particular challenge that came along in their life, failed to answer the really penetrating question of why they allowed what happened to them to set their life spinning out of control again.

My best guess is that this failure is due to a confluence of two problems: One, a failure to appreciate the importance of continuing focus on controlling one’s thought life; and; Two, a failure to appreciate the necessity of staying focused on doing good things for ones self. Uncontrolled thought life always leads to negative thinking, of a destructive nature–always!

I say this because in every case where the “perceived reason” for the failure to stay fit was due to a family or personal tragedy, the person mentioned “losing focus” or trying to “work on what was really important.” In most cases, though, there was plenty of time to do both, but the person traded in his workout times for more time to worry or ruminate over the misfortune.

There’s something inside us that makes us want to co-suffer with the victim of a tragedy. That often takes the form of self-sacrifice such as letting ourselves go,or ceasing all other normal life contacts as the problem unfolds.

Denise Taylor, during the time that her daughter Jonnae was at her sickest, continued to keep herself fit. She did it in a focused and unselfish way. She exercised when the doctors were not around and Jonnae was resting. That activity allowed Denise to be strong, to be fully involved in the care and loving of her beautiful daughter,and to be available and strong for the rest of the family. In essence,Denise chose to not make herself the second victim of this recurrent cancer, and it was clearly the right choice.

How did Denise do it? Well,for one thing she is a person of deep faith and she followed the still small voice within her, meditated on good things, and prayed regularly. That spiritual focus strengthened to keep emotional and mental focus, which allowed her to physically focus on each task at hand.

In essence, Denise’s faith kept her able to control her thoughts, and her positive thoughts helped her to appreciate the need to take care of her own physical, mental and spiritual health.

Simple enough? Not easy, clearly, but simple. If it was a mathematical formula, it would look like this: F2 (faith squared) = T (positive thinking) + A. ( right actions.)

Just one last thing and then I’ll close. I’m NOt saying that all these people who relapsed from their fitness programs did not HAVE faith! I’m saying that they did NOT in faith do the right things for themselves.

What do you think?

Emotional Eating!

“I’m an emotional eater!” That’s a quote I hear every day–in emails, on the message boards, and directly from those I talk to about transformation athletics and dieting. In fact, I hear it so often, and observe it in most people I know, that I think it to be a universal thing among humans.

Now, I know that when one uses that phrase, they don’t mean emotional eating as a good thing. Indeed, they regard what they do as a bad thing. But, I just wanted to first set the table so that we realize that we are all emotional eaters. I think we were created that way. Some of the most memorable events in life are built around “emotional eating.” The wedding feast; funeral luncheons; graduation banquets; our lives are built around the “high points” of achievements accompanied by eating with friends and family!

BUT, when most of us proclaim ourselves as emotional eaters, we’re talking about a dark thing–eating alone, eating in stress or unhappiness, and eating far beyond our needs–usually heavy carbs or fatty foods that have the capacity to calm us and sedate us before they commence to destroy us!

First, the bad news. There’s absolutely no easy way out of an emotional eating problem. The good news? There IS a way!

The way out of the “dark type” of emotional eating is part discipline, part self-led psycho-therapy, and part being willing to suffer and feel instead of cutting and running by downing a quart of ice cream! Here’s where you start:

1. Make sure you eat the six small, balanced meals a day that are part of your regular transformation athletics program. Include foods you like, but DO NOT cheat on portions or types of food. Never eat in your car, and never, ever buy food wrong for you except on the free day that you will consume it.

2. When the “moment” comes up that makes you want to binge, own up to it. Say to yourself–and even to another if you are in the company of people who won’t belittle you or laugh at you–”I just really feel like eating right now because I’m having trouble dealing with……..” (Here insert the exact thing that is bothering you, not a glossed over or biased summary.) This is a critical step because if you lie to yourself and say that you are going to eat because you’re “bored” when in fact you’re sitting up worried to death that your husband is going to come home drunk again, you are simply continuing a pattern of deception. That pattern extends not only to others to but to yourself as well. One of the main elements of emotional eating happens to be self-deception, and that is because self-deception keeps you from having to deal with the truth.

3. Do your inventory. H.A.L.T. “Am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired?” Often, one of these last three is the problem rather than hunger, but often feels just like hunger to you.

4. Make a contract with yourself. No cheating until you’ve written in your journal, and disclosed everything you need to about how you feel, who hurt you, why you’re worried or whatever it is that piqued this strong desire to overeat.

5. Phone a friend! One of the same sex, one who won’t betray your confidence, who will listen to you without judgment or interruption, and who will try to answer your questions. This is perhaps the most effective of all these steps and I want you to work them in the order I’ve given you, because if you have to call a friend you will at least know what it is that you want to do and why, and you will then use this as only an extraordinary remedy, which it is. I don’t want to see phone a friend develop into just another easy ritual before you pronounce yourself hopeless and go eat into oblivion once again!

The other thing most emotional eaters need badly is inside work. Many have had major upheavals in their lives. Childhood sexual inappropriateness, absent or emotionally absent parents–especially fathers, nightly turmoil and even danger in the home where they were raised. These things fuel the eating disorders later in life. These things have to be dealt with and they often take counseling. At the very least, they take being willing to buy a workbook on the topic of eating addictions and becoming completely willing to get to the bottom of what is eating you that makes you want to eat.

I’m guessing some of you have gotten to this point with tears brimming in your eyes and strange feelings in your insides. You don’t know whether to read on or just go somewhere and cry! If you’re up to it, a quick way to start is to just leave a quick note at the end of this blog and let us all know you’re going to do something–beginning today! If you want no one to know now, but need more help, drop me an email and I promise I won’t betray your confidence. I’ll try to answer your questions and see that you can get some help. I may even know someone I can put you in touch with. I’m at miketharris@comcast.net. 

Lest you need to be reminded, I’m NOT a counselor; I’m not a doctor, and I’m not certified as an expert in this area at all. But I do know it; I lost a sister to an eating disorder; this syndrome runs in my family; and I’ve served in recovery groups and other organizations, taken seminars and studied this stuff forever. I hope you believe in a power greater than yourself. It certainly takes that, because if you had it just within your own power to get and stay free of this issue, you never would have gotten it! Through all of this, stay in touch with that Power, the one I call God.  Thanks for reading this.

I had not been on a champions cruise before.  I always wanted to go, but to honor my wife, who definitely is not the cruise type, I did not. This year, she said o.k. And we went! Well, cruise type or not, I do know that she loved the people on the cruise, and hopefully that will be enough so that we can go again some day!

In the end, every transformation community event is about the people and the stories. My “party” days are pretty much over. I get enjoyment in being sober today, and watching others party! What gives me more joy and fun than anything else is getting to sit down and listen to others tell their stories.  Sometimes, I find myself in the midst of one of their stories, and it’s then that you can actually begin to see how all these things in motion long ago, and that there are no coincidences or accidents.

I’m going to be purposely vague and incomplete here, because I don’t have permission to tell stories on others. But here are a couple of stories I was involved in:

1. I sat down at a table with another guy, shook his hand, looked him in the eye, spoke warmly, and ended up hugging him. Up to this time,he was not a friend, and was someone I regarded warily. He regarded me the same way. But we have both changed a great deal, and I can honestly and unashamedly say that I love the guy today! The cruise wasn’t what DID IT, but it was the place that God chose to do it! One day soon, I’ll invite him to guest write a blog about what happened to us, and if he consents, we’ll let you all know what happened! He even signed my book!

2. There was another divine moment. Something I said in my talk to the group, along with something another speaker said, combined to pierce the heart of a person who was in deep emotional pain and torment at that very time. Those statements caused  the person to go to another, and set things right–right there on the cruise boat! I would never had known, wouldn’t even have thought that such a thing might be going on, had not the person looked me up and thanked me. Really, he was thanking God by thanking me, because that is who set it all up long ago.

Just think of all the effort God went to just to quiet a person’s spirit. He arranged for two speakers with completely different agendas coming from different countries, to be on a particular cruise ship with the person needing to relieve the torment, and also with the person who helped create the torment, who needed to be approached to make it all right! What an inefficient way to achieve reconciliation! That’s how I recognize God’s signature on things–it’s just so extravagant, almost wastefully extravagant, when He sets out to get us closer together!

Of course I reconnected with many old friends as well, some of whom I hadn’t seen in the nearly 4 1/2 years since our ultimate transformation camp in Colorado. It was such an amazing smorgasbord of new and old friends that I almost didn’t have time to get sunburned or make a fool of myself! Well, I did do a little bit of solo dancing around the party boat, but that was just due to the great music they were playing at the time!

So, what do you take from this story? What I get from it is the clear message that God is always working, and always present wherever we go, reconciling, giving, and lavishing His love on us all. This time it was on a boat. The next time it might be in my car, the dentist’s office, or even at my bench in the courtroom, but when God shows up, YOU know it!

Next week, we’ll start a new series. On what? How should I know? God hasn’t shown up yet with the topic.  I’ll get back to you!

Good morning! It’s great to be back home again. The days at sea on the Champion’s Cruise were awesome, and I’ll report more once I have an opportunity to truly process what went on, but still it’s always nice to get back home.

My message on the cruise was about 10 different points that you need to know to transform both physically and spiritually, and after the talk was over at least 10 people told me that one particular point had really been of interest to them. Since I kind of did a “flyover” on it, I wanted to address it in greater detail in this blog. It’s about LOVE and RESPECT.

I pointed out in my message that a couple’s challenge will stretch, stress and test your relationship like nothing else will. It is a wonderful opportunity to grow closer together, but unfortunately many couples end up using the challenge as a way of tearing each other apart.

The “cure” for the problems that can come up while working out together is keeping an eye on the principles of unconditional love and respect. The world “gets” the idea that we need to love unconditionally–which means loving by our actions, especially when the other person is essentially in an otherwise unlovable state! Unconditional love isn’t easy, but we guys at least understand it.

BUT, what the world doesn’t “get” is that while unconditional love is the heartcry of women–along with a strong need for security as well–it is less so for men. Men need unconditional RESPECT. Men don’t articulate this need often, but we give respect and need to get it in order to feel complete as a man.

Think about how military and paramilitary organizations work. They would collapse without the principle of respect. And respect in a marriage or other permanent relationship MUST be unconditional or it isn’t really respect. Don’t confuse respect with trust. You need not trust a person who has proven unworthy of trust. But respect not only does no harm, but it actually helps you both–just as unconditional love does.

How do you show respect for a man in a meaningful way? First, you need to really buy into how essential it is to guys, or you won’t do it! Once you’re settled on that, become a careful observer of his habits and actions. Look for the little things he does that make a difference to you or others and make note of them. Then, in a quiet moment, take him by the arm, draw close to him, and tell him that you respect how he does these things. Make it clear that it is his being a good man that you respect, not just the deed. That’s why it’s best to tell him about something he did for someone else–beause it leaves no room for confusion. You’re expressing respect, not gratitude!

Then, just watch for a while and see if he doesn’t seem to get a bit taller, and throw those shoulders back just a bit more. He will also become more loving to you as a result. So, respect generates love, which generates more respect, which generates more love from him and the cycle continues.

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. If you disrespect him by belittling him, compare him to others unfavorably in areas of appearance, strength, or qualities, or scoff at him, you will deeply wound him. Some men lash out, but most simply grow silent and shrink inside. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he wasn’t hurt just because he said nothing–assume the opposite! Nothing wounds a man like feeling that his mate doesn’t respect him. Nothing!

As I mentioned in the talk, this is not something I came up with. The concept is biblical, Ephesians 5:33, and there is an entire book written on the topic. If you’d like more information on it, drop me a note and I’ll send it to you!

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The post below is a verbatim summary of a powerpoint presentation I will give on the Champions Cruise this week. The “cure” for all of the “problems” that cause difficulties in transforming is almost always to work the universal law of reciprocation, doing something for another without getting caught! 

1. Act your way to better thinking! In spite of opinion to the contrary, you cannot think your way into the right attitude, but taking the right actions will produce the right attitude.

Do what you don’t feel like doing, and then you’ll feel like doing it!

2.When things look the worst, that’s the best time to begin a transformation! Popular opinion to the contrary, self-hatred may be the best chance you have to make a winner of yourself. It’s the good in you that hates the bad, and you have to talk to the good, feed it and grow it, and kill off all the bad. If you were all bad, you’d hate others rather than yourself!

3. To be successful, act successful! Successful people get up early, show up regularly, ready to play, and in uniform! They also keep their promises to themselves and others, even when it hurts! Your reputation is your only stock in trade, and your inner transformation is only as good as your reputation. You cannot sell it if you do not have it!

4. See that reflection in the mirror? You are looking at the problem!There is a world of difference between a condition and a problem. If it’s something you cannot control, you don’t have a problem, you have a condition. Though you cannot change it, you can change your perspective and view of it. The one problem you can for sure work on is you! Accept what you cannot change and change what you can—know the difference!

5. Just like your body, your spirit needs regular exercise as well! A. Deep knee bends—at prayer time.

B. Stooping, to help another who cannot help himself.C. Reading the scripture or other sacred writings. Memorize a key thought each week.

6. The biggest impediments to a transformation, fear, resentment, envy and self-pity. Fear will paralyze you; force you to withdraw from your activity, and eventually drive you into hiding and depression. Action in the face of fear is the cure.

Resentment will corrode you spiritually and emotionally from the inside out. Nothing worth doing can be accomplished in the face of resentment. Forgiveness is the only option. Envy will keep you from celebrating the achievements of others, and make you bitter, and self-pity will keep you in hiding forever!

7. Transforming is a risky enterprise! No risk, no gain!

There is significant risk in every transformation, risk of injury, embarrassment, failure or problems with relationships.

A transformation challenge without risk is not worth doing. You can do more than you think you can! Your risk will be rewarded if you work as hard as you can!

8. Doing a couple’s challenge? Know your partner! A couple’s challenge will stretch, stress and test your relationship like nothing else. To make it rewarding, remember this:

A. A woman’s deepest needs are unconditional love and security. Without them, she is NOT happy! Unconditional love is to be given, and is not earned! “quit whining” is not love language!

B. A man’s deepest need is respect. Respect is unconditional and is not earned. Letting a man know through word or deed that you believe he is deficient in some material way, in strength, knowledge or passion, will wound him far more than you can imagine. Comparing his results to another man who looks better is also not a good idea.

9. Self-promotion never achieves worthy goals! Self-promotion always leads to frustration and disappointment. No amount of success or adulation is ever enough for the self-promoted person.

Why then do we take those photos and do those essays?

So that others will know, and will have assurance that you did what you said you did and that they too can do it.

10. The greatest thing a champion can do–leave a legacy! A. If all you leave behind when you’re done is a leather jacket and a trophy, you have wasted your time and missed the whole point!

B. To leave a legacy, look within your spheres of influence (family, organizations or work) and find people who will do what you did, and will pass it on to others. Will your family emulate you or mock you in the end? It depends on YOU!