I was listening to a sermon on Saturday night, and when it came to the part about being real and authentic, I heard something that really stood out. It was this: “Behavioral scientists from all cultures agree that the one universal trait among all cultures is that NOBODY LIKES A LIAR!” I believe that to be true. I also believe that lying to ourselves is at the core of most challenge failures. Let me explain before your blood pressure goes up here!

When I was in recovery from alcoholism I learned the difference between self-honesty and cash register honesty. I learned that anyone can be outwardly honest and not lie to or steal from others, but that part of the reason that people become addicts is that the drug or alcohol or food is selected for its pain killing properties, and that the pain comes from lying to ourselves–failing to practice self honesty. In my case, most of my resentments were aimed at “them.” I had a whole list of folks who had wronged me, or frustrated me, or who didn’t like me, and on and on it went. And every failure I had–real or imagined–I blamed on “them.” Even my drinking! “If you’d been treated like I had, you’d drink too” I often said.

However, the plain truth was that I was the cause of all my failures, not “them.” I was the one who made bad choices, who nursed grudges, and who took the easy way out every time. Once I was faced with the truth that I’d never be able to stay sober unless I dealt with my own lying to myself, my life completely changed directions. Though it was initially painful to be responsible, since there was no one else to blame but me, ultimately I became much better at doing life and at not allowing other things or people to get in the way of a goal.

Sadly, I see from the guestbook and elsewhere that many are afflicted with my self-deceit problem, and that since “nobody likes a liar” they actually don’t like themselves, though they are not really able to realize that. Instead, they blame their spouse, their co-workers, their parents or their children for their own failure to stick with the program. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen that the evil spouse was at fault for bring home a pizza, even though exactly why the challenger felt they had to eat it is never really explained! Others take one relatively harmless remark, such as “how long are you going to stick with this latest diet?” and they allow it to be like an arrow into their heart. Soon enough, they give in to temptation, and blame it all on the spouse. It’s just too much to take the responsbility for their own failings. Problem is, unless they do, they’ll never get this right, because spouses, children, co-workers and others–they just don’t get the memo that says “don’t ask stupid questions or bring home unauthorized food!”

How do you get self-honesty? Making a searching and fearless inventory of yourself, of your weaknesses, and of the times you’ve lied to yourself. Then,, tell it all to someone who won’t be harmed by it, a trusted friend, or an anonymous clergyman for example. Above all, you must accept the entirety of your role in all these failures, and not simply acknowledge “my part” in it. Once you’ve cleaned up the past, it’s much easier to go into the future with a clean slate. Next, pray for the people who do this to you. Not praying that they quit doing it, but praying for them to get the desires of their hearts, whatever that may be. Next, be intentionally and relentlessly nice to them. Spend time with them if it’s friends or family. Do things to help them, if it’s co-workers or others. Never return bad for bad, but always give them your very best.

Is this easy? Not at all. It’s simple, but progress will be slow at first and rapid after a few weeks. You will find that you no longer bristle every time someone says, “Oh, ANOTHER ONE of those shakes? When do you get to eat normal?” Honest, this is all possible, once you stop lying to yourself by blaming others for your own shortcomings!